By Gregory C. MacCrone*

A top official for the Boston Red Sox says the number one priority for the world champs this off-season is to sign an aesthetician cum personal stylist for the club.

The source who spoke on condition of anonymity, admitted that Red Sox management is "up in arms" about the team's personal grooming habits which received widespread derision during their remarkable World Series run last season. "Manny [Ramirez]'s one lock of quasi-dread over his left ear and [Johnny] Damon's tresses and facial scruff are a constant, though tolerable, cause of irritation to Theo," said the source, referring to Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein.

"That punk Bronson Arroyo's braids and [Bill] Mueller's Fu Manchu, however, are an embarrassment and won't be tolerated," said the front office insider. Insisting that no one player or collection of 25 players is bigger than the team, he promised personnel changes in this area.

Portland (Ore.)-based Susan Gasporra, known for her leading edge intense pulse light therapies, alpha-hydroxy peels, intimate waxings, and cucumber, hot spring mud masks was released at the end of last season.

"Nothing less than the hirsute sensibilities of greater Boston, and I dare say, all of New England are at stake," Ms. Gasporra offered when notified she would not be re-signed. She declined to accept responsibility for Kevin "Millar's funky-ass beard which enters the batter's box before he does," but confessed it has become clear the entire team needs an "extreme makeover."

It is thought the Red Sox are pursuing Oribe, the hairdresser and personal stylist recently fired by pop star, Jennifer Lopez. Oribe, who goes by a single name, and his agent did not return phone calls by press time.

Oribe has clout and could be a valuable addition to the world champs. He did the actress-pop star's hair for one of her weddings and was credited with styling the bouffant she wore to the 2002 Oscar ceremony, though he has repeatedly denied any responsibility for it.

The tempestuous personal stylist is perhaps best known for his hissy-fit at the New York press weekend for "Maid in Manhattan," another in a long series of cinematic disasters for Ms. Lopez for whom he worked at the time. Despite "resigning" shortly afterwards so that he could "spend more time with his family," Oribe is considered the front-runner for the Red Sox position.

Insiders also acknowledge that Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld's embalmer is a "person of interest" to Red Sox management.

The crusty Pentagon chief's longevity and uncanny ability to hold onto his post despite the obvious karmic strains his duplicity has placed upon him are, sources say, directly attributable to the daily cocktails of embalming fluid and "specialty waxes" created for Mr. Rumsfeld by his personal infusionist-aesthetician.

When asked about Red Sox designs for revamping their public face, Mr. Epstein, the wunderkind general manager of the world champions answered that the team is looking into it.

"This off-season, we are taking steps to ensure that we improve in this area. Payroll flexibility, fiscal responsibility, and looking good while beating the snot out of the Yankees are not ends in themselves," said Mr. Epstein. Noting that the Yankees had recently signed Fernando, the erstwhile Billy Crystal "Saturday Night Live" character, to a long-term contract, he cautioned against "overpaying" in order to "win now."

Curt Schilling, the team's Cy Young runner-up, commented that "whoever we do sign, they'd better do butt hair electrolysis."

* Gregory MacCrone is still unemployed, but no longer on the dole having extinguished his "benefits" after six months. He does, however, have a very hot girlfriend despite his depressed financial situation. He wishes the Becker Sports Report would pay for these articles, and he no longer follows the San Francisco 49ers. (Go Cal Bears!)