Westfield, NJ, 6/25/06—Pat Riley's hair has been designated a "new element" by a reputable New Jersey chemist who was unable to break it down into constituent parts. "It is elemental, and elementally unique!," said Ronald Weinberg, Ph.D. from his laboratory in Westfield.

Weinberg is calling the new element, which would make it the 113th, "dendricite," for its remarkable hardness and density. It classifies as a "non-metal," with a "melting point" at 720-degrees Farenhheit, and boiling point at 810-degrees Farenheit. His findings will be published in the August edition of the scientific journal "Nature."

"Never have we seen an element growing from someone's head," Weinberg noted. "This is as remarkable as it is unusual."

“This substance,” he added, “will be usable in everything from building materials to dental implants. And, because Mr. Riley appears to be its sole source, he stands to become even more perversely rich than he already is.”

Riley was "unsurprised" by the discovery, close associates said, because he regards everything about himself as "priceless."

"Pat always suspected his hair had unique properties," said Stan Van Gundy, who now scouts for the Heat since Riley replaced him as head-coach early in the season. "So he took this news in stride, like it was no big deal."

But Weinberg stressed it was a very big deal. He said it appeared likely that synthetic versions of the element would be easily produceable, an exciting prospect given that, “in preliminary experimentation, [Riley’s] hair appears to cure previously untouchable cancers.”

"This element...," Weinberg gushed, "it's like from another planet. It's like... magical."