Malibu, 8/1/06—Mel Gibson's personal scientists, after conducting experiments in the actor's secret laboratory in New Mexico, announced this afternoon, "Alcohol, not Mel, is anti-semitic."

Gibson, who, when pulled over drunk last weekend in Malibu, made imflammatory remarks about Jews, said he felt vindicated by the team's findings, proving that "when I'm not drunk, I've got no beef with Jews."

Gibson's scientists, a spokesman for Gibson said, among them "a Jew," said they found, "as have other studies," that anti-semitism rises with alcohol consumption; "thus, alcohol must be anti-semitic," they concluded.

Several scientific journals, including Nature, are said to be scrambling for the rights to publish the work, which has been hailed (by Gibson) as "groundbreaking."

The Budweiser Corporation, through its attorney, fired back, "We reject the [scientists'] conclusion. We do the most rigorous testing in the business, and have found absolutely no evidence that our alcohol is anti-semitic.

"On the other hand, we've heard some things about Coors you might want to investigate."

Gibson, fearing irreparable damage to his image, is said to have checked himself into a rehab facility for "long-term alcoholism treatment," where, on his insistence, he will be sequestered from intrusive media, and Jews.