Scientists are reporting that Hugh Downs Syndrome, named after the insipid, tenured ABC journalist, is on the rise and may be here to stay.

Marked by extreme vapidity packaged in a pleasant, harmless personality, Hugh Downs Syndrome, unlike senility, is a stable--not deteriorative--condition.

There have been several sports figures diagnosed with Hugh Downs Syndrome in recent years. John MaCleod, the former NBA and college basketball coach, was the first suspected to have the disorder. The genial MaCleod, in a post-game press conference in 1984 (his assistant Bob beside him), once answered nine questions about a Knicks' loss with the response, "It comes down to execution. Right, Bob?" Even MacCleod's wife had to admit that this was a man in the clutches of Hugh Downs Syndrome.

Larry Brown, the Detroit Pistons new head coach, is also rumored to be suffering from Hugh Downs Syndrome (if not a head injury, too, somewhere along the way). Brown's verbal cadence has been clocked as the slowest and flattest in sports, rivaled only by Jason Kidd, the New Jersey Nets point guard who, many fear, also has the condition.

Kidd, when asked to comment, said, "I don't even know who Hugh Downs is...so how could I have his condition?"

Bobby Cox, the Atlanta Braves manager, has carried the disorder openly for years, through the Braves' world series and annual playoff appearances; and Cox, mind you, is widely, and probably accurately, considered to be one of the more intelligent people in baseball.

Cox, who also has Tourettes Syndrome, observed, "There's nothing to be ashamed...FUCK YOU!!!...about having Hugh Downs Syndrome. I've had it since...PUSSY!!!...my mid-twenties. Basically, the only thing separating me from you is the... Cocksucker!!!...certainty that, like Hugh Downs, I'll never have anything interesting to say."

"We're just seeing more and more cases of [Hugh Downs Syndrome]," said Raul Gonzalez, Ph.D., of Tufts University, who's led the most comprehensive research yet into the disturbance.

Epidemiologists project that in the next decade, Hugh Downs Syndrome, coupled with cases of mild mental retardation, will comprise upwards of 70% of the rosters of major league baseball teams.