Major League Baseball umpires, backed by their Union, have received permission from team owners to begin carrying guns during regular and post-season games.

The measure is designed to curb the recent spate of fan assaults--in other words, to protect the umpires, who are some of the fattest, most vulnerable men in the world.

The guns will be loaded, and the umps will have the discretion to use them.

"This is about sending a message," said Bud Selig, baseball's commissioner. "There needs to be a true threat, a true consequence, if this is gonna be anything but a formality."

Selig added, "The umps are delighted. They know they can defend themselves now. Now they can relax and do what they've spent their lives preparing for--umping."

In a trial phase of the policy, a Minnesota Twins fan was shot last Thursday night during the Twins-Mariners game.

"The guy fell over the railing and was staggering. I did what I had to do," said Frank Dandridge, the home-plate umpire. "I don't feel any guilt."

Investigators, however, are pursuing reports that the man, Aaron Sheckleberg, a local Rabbinical student, was shot 63 times by an "overzealous" umpire crew that fired "way out of proportion."

"Yeah, that concerns us," said Selig of the reports.

Accordingly, the next phase of the policy, he said, would be "...to train these guys in the use of firearms. Yeah. That'd probably make sense. Probably, if we give these guys guns, we should make sure they have at least the minimal skills to use them properly."