by Patrick Reed

New York (NY) -- Former Cy Young Award winner Tom Glavine told beat reporters today that his dismal performance this year dates back to an incident on his way to spring training. "I guess things started to go bad when I was trying to board a plane at LaGuardia," Glavine said after getting lit up like a pinball machine by the pathetic Montreal Expos.

"I set off the metal detector and went to the doctor when we landed in Florida. My personal physician did some X-rays and there it was plain as day, a horseshoe up my ass. They had it removed immediately and believe me it felt great but I couldn't help but think at the time that I had just made a huge mistake," a melancholy Glavine said, visibly upset from his earlier performance. A direct correlation between the removal procedure and Glavine's demise can be spotted in his record. This year Glavine is 6-11 with an ERA of 5.10.

Needless to say the New York Mets upper management was none to pleased with the news of Glavine's operation. An anonymous source within the Mets was quoted as saying, "We signed Glavine thinking he'd be the Glavine with the freakishly large strike zone and the fastball that looked really slow but still fooled hitters. We didn't sign the Glavine who was getting beat like a drum every fifth game."

To his credit Glavine can feel the almost palpable pressure on him. "In the off season I plan to sit down and talk with my family and decide if I should retire or should I have that same horseshoe shoved back up there."