Presidential candidate John Kerry, on a campaign stop to a Chicago 'hood, entered an afro competition and nearly won it, a Kerry campaign spokesman said. The Senator's hair measured a maximum 17" above his head, just short of winner Moses Holmes', whose hair topped everyone's at 17.8".

Kerry was gracious in defeat, telling the crowd, "I be elated to be here. Lemmee axe you something: Am I invited back next year so I can win this thing outright?"

The crowd cheered enthusiastically, eliciting one of Kerry's chipmunky smiles.

"Party up, folks. Me and my posse heading out now, we gon' mine some quid from the yids...you know what ahm sayin'?"

No one did, but Kerry still high-fived a whole bunch of black dudes on his way out of the 2nd St. Baptist Church, where a limousine was to take him to a fundraising dinner of wealthy Jewish Democratic patrons.