By Patrick Reed

Austin (TX) -- A bombshell rocked the cycling world today when scientists for Motorola admitted that five-time Tour-De-France winner Lance Armstrong is actually a robot whose sole purpose is to piss off French people.

Chief Scientist for the Motorola Automation Division, David Spangler confessed in an interview, "We at Motorola just wanted to show those French jack-offs that their faggy little race sucks."

When questioned as to why a cyborg would get testicular cancer, Spangler explained, "We were just trying to lure those surrender pricks onto a false sense of security. They see that the American is lucky to be alive and probably won't be a factor in the Tour and then Bam! He kicks their ass again. Man, that was one of the better ones."

As it turns out, Armstrong is not the first Robot to win the Tour; thirteen years ago Greg LeMond won three times as the first generation predecessor of Armstrong. "We made a couple mistakes with the LeMond model. Our biggest failure was that we set the robot up with a French team and the French people loved him. It completely flew in the face of what we were trying to do. We had to retire the LeMond relatively early in the life cycle."

When asked why they chose to come forward now with the Armstrong revelation Spangler was frank, "Well, we were very successful in pissing the French people off but in the end when you kick their ass you're doing exactly what they what they want. The French love being losers."

Patrick Reed makes his third contribution to The Becker Sports Report. His satirical sports writing talent is recognized and hugely appreciated.